Broken Rules

About a month ago I came to the realization that I was in a place I didn't wanna be in. You see I am a relationship kind of girl. I like being with one person. I do not like dating around and altho dates are fun I try to avoid the whole date with a new guy every weekend thing. Well for a while I was having terrible luck in the boy department. So I decided to go with the flow of what everyone else was doing instead of following my heart. So I did the date around thing. I was a playa. HAHA not really, but I went on as many dates as I could with a bunch of different guys. It was fun untill I decided to go into the hook up phase. It was superficially fun. On the service it looked like I was enjoying the fact that I was single and able to kiss who ever I wanted. But everytime I kissed someone my heart broke a little more. I felt like I was never good enough for someone to like me, I was only a hookup. Obviously no one wants to feel that way. So one day not too long ago I went to hang out with someone I've known and liked for a while. We sat in my car for almost 3 hours and talked, but we both knew what was going to evetually happen that night. I'm going to put it out there that I did not want to kiss him, only because I did like him and I knew if I kissed him nothing would come of it. But I tricked myself into thinking that maybe if I did kiss him he would see the light and maybe we would end up dating. As soon as I got home that night I knew I had made a mistake. Nothing was going to happen with this boy and my self esteem was crushed again. I had been doing the hookup scene for so long I had convinced myself that guys would not like me if I wasn't making out with them. Finally I opened my eyes and realized I was being an idiot. So that night I signed a contract with myself. I told myself I would not kiss anyone unless I was dating them. This way I would know the guy liked me for me.

Now I'm sure your wondering how the title of this blog ties into this. Well I've been talking to a guy and things have been going great. He's such a great guy. Well last night we were hanging out and I knew what was comin. Everyone told me I would break my rule and even though I said i wouldn't I knew I would. So last night when I walked him out it happened and I broke my rule.

I'm not gonna lie when I say I'm not totally upset that I broke my rule because I'm not. But I can't help worrying a little. That's just how I am, I worry. But still. I broke my rule because I'm hoping that I won't regret it. I'm hoping that I didn't break if for nothing. But the worry side of me is questioning my better judgement. What if I did break my rule and I'll regret it? Scary thought right. Gah..Ya I know. Well for now I guess I'll just see what happens, there's no point in worrying right this second.