Heavy Heart

So tonight was SUPER exciting. I got the night off work so I could go hang out with this guy that I've been talking to for a couple weeks. We went to this thing out at the speedway called midnight mayhem. It was cold but it was way worth it cuz it was a blast!


Basically that's what I wish I could've posted...instead this is what really happened tonight.

The whole unravelling of my day happened around noon today. I had some issues with UNLV and then I had some issues with work. The UNLV issue never got resolved so I'm still irritated about that but I found out I had the night off of work tonight. The part about taking it off to hang out with the guy I've been talking to was true. And we were supposed to go to the speedway, but as you can tell by the past tense those things didn't happen. I went to Danielle's house to hang out with her and Shelby because I was not about to waste my night away waiting for some guy to text me. So we worked on a puzzle and then he texted me. His friend was driving out to the speedway so I said I would meet them there so I wouldn't be late for curfew. At about 9:30 I told him I was on my way even though it was freezing outside and I had no desire to go all the way out to the speedway. When I got to the 215 he told me that they had decided to leave. Now I wasn't to upset about this because in my mind the logical thing would have been to just invite me to whatever was going on after the speedway (which was hanging out at his house). Well when I figured that suggestion wasn't going to be brought up I decided to call a friend that I haven't seen in a while. We hung out and it was fun. We had some interesting convos and got to catch up which is something we don't get to do very often. At around 11 I left and hopped in my car to go home. I started my drive down the road and decided to call the guy I was supposed to be hanging out with. Why oh why did I commit this act of insanity? Because I'm insane apparently. Luckily he didn't answer. But for some reason tears welled up in my eyes and the realization of what had happened hit me. I had been stood up. Not something that has ever happened to me. Not saying that I'm some amazing person that no one would ever think of standing up, I'm just saying it's never happened. I called one of my best friends but she was sleeping and I was left in a silent car with no one to talk to. I couldn't even bring myself to turn the radio on to drown out my thoughts. No, instead I sat there like an idiot with tears soaking up my face, rambling to myself about nonsense things that only made me cry more. When things happen to me that weren't exactly how I pictured I like to let all my past misfortunes come back to haunt me. I'm not sure why I do this and it's obviously not very healthy, but I can't help it. Not only that, but I like to think I'm a very...hopefull person (for lack of better words). I like to find good in the people around me. I make up excuses for their faults and I take their good and make it seem even better. I hope for the best, but in the real world the best doesn't always happen. And instead of just accepting someone I find a way to blame myself for their mistake. I've been making a habit of this for years and the only thing it does is break my heart. I'm not saying that there aren't good people out there, but people aren't perfect. Still, I find a way to make it my fault. So I sit here, in bed, writing this blog as a very depressed person because life isn't perfect and either are people. I just wish I didn't get the crap end of it all.