Waiting

Waiting Waiting Waiting...still waiting...i don't mean to complain..but honestly..when is it gonna be my turn. It feels like everyone around me has someone. I'm so happy for them! I just wanna know when my turn will come. I know that everything happens for a reason..and Heavenly Father has a plan. I guess I'm just impatient. But honestly this isn't me just whining after waiting a good month. I feel like I've been waiting a long time. 2 years! That is a long time. And ya know what...not to sound full of myself..but i have A LOT of love to give. I like spoiling people and letting them know that i love them. I love loving people. I just want someone that i can hug. Some people say I'm just to picky. But you just know..when you come across people you can feel it in your heart. My heart has just been empty lately. I mean i love my family and my friends more than anything. But there are things that they can't do. And I've had little crushes here and there but nothin serious. And what makes it worse is that I've convinced myself to a point that I am just to picky so i make myself feel things for people. But they aren't real..and after so long i become heart broken because i can't force myself to have feelings for people. It just doesn't work that way ya know. But i don't know what to think anymore. Am i really to picky? Is it just not my time? Maybe i had my great love already (and if thats the case just please kill me now cuz i definately got the crap end of that deal). WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!?! Am i being punished for something? Maybe i need to rethink how I'm living my life and fix something. All i want is to fall in love. I want to fall hard and this time i don't want to be the only one who falls in love. I want someone that will fall with me. I want to text someone "I love you" in the middle of the day just so they'll smile. I want a hug just because. I want to be able to sit on the couch with someone and just be next to them. I want to bake someone cookies. I want to hear a song and smile because it reminds me of him. I want to smile for no reason other than the thought of his face. But maybe my problem is i want to much. Maybe I'm asking to much right now. I just don't see how everyone around me can seem to find someone but I've been sitting here...alone...waiting for it to be my turn. I just feel like there's really something wrong with me. Maybe before i can expect anything to happen i should do some soul searching or something. I don't know. (By the way before i end this...sorry for the pity party..sometimes i just have to let everything out...because this is how i feel...and thank you to the wonderful friends i have that put up with my pity parties when they come along..i love you guys)

Feelings

Sometimes they suck.

I tend to save things that should really be thrown away. Especially conversations. Those seem to be my favorite tid-bits to hide away and then pull up again. And then suddenly old or new emotions come up. Not to long ago..but long enough to forget..i got in a huge fight with someone. The fight ended in an easy resolution. However, like always, promises weren't fufilled. After 2 years this kind of behavior is expected, but still it is always some what disappointing when a promise is broken. Maybe not broken completely..i guess a better word would be bent. Bent in a way that still leaves hope, but bent to the point that anymore bending will break the promise in 2 and it will no longer be the strong thing it used to be when it was first made. After reading this promise an old emotion came over me, however the reason is different. And becuase of this different reason another emotion is added into the mix. Sadness (or perhaps dispair is a better word) and confusion are taking over my body now leaving me in a half coma: able to move and carry on yet somewhat unaware of everything that is going on around me. I've always hated losing friends. I have a way of really attaching myself to the few good friends i make. So when one of them falls away from me it truly breaks my heart. I haven't been able to have very many long friendships. There are always those people out there that have had a friend or even a group of friends that they've been able to rely on for years. Ya know..childhood friends. But I've never had one of those. My life has taken so many different paths through out the years its hard to find a friend that can stay with me through everything. I've been very lucky the past couple of years to find friends that i believe will be with me forever...for that i am very grateful. But still i feel i am losing some. Especially one in particular. There are certain relationships and bonds you form with people that are just different from the rest. I was fortunate enough to make one of these bonds. But the sadness washes over me as i start to realize that that bond has faded from what it used to be and the confusion kicks in when i ask myself how is happened. But that's life i guess. My friend won't read this..but i want to put it out on the record..for anyone to see..that i wish for my friend (or possibly former friend) to live life to the fullest, i wish happiness, love, fortune, and all the blessings one person can attain. And i hope and pray..no i have a faith that won't be swayed..that one day either in this life time or the next that we will meet again and i will be overwhelmed with the feeling of comfort and love as i embrace the person i used to call My Everything..My Best Friend. I will love you forever, friend, for everything you have done for me and for the bond you have created with me. I hope you know that.

Good Things Come To Good People

So tonight work was rewarding..but not in the typical way..tonight i did my job..as well as the jobs of the servers and the bus boys..i polished silverware, restocked, bussed tables, sat guests, greeted customers, cleaned high chairs..i even went all the way down to the break room to get a customer milk cuz we ran out in the kitchen. Now i did not do all these things to get tips or anything..i was just going my job and helping the people around me. Suprisingly i was tipped out by one of the servers. I call her my favorite cuz she's such a sweetheart. It wasn't suprising she tipped me..like i said she's a sweetheart..but it was suprising that she was the one to tip me..i did the least amount of work for her. But i left work with a happy heart..because i did something not for money..but simply to make my coworkers lives a little less stressful on a busy night. For all i know the other servers might not have been able to afford to tip me out. And they all thanked me numerous times. We are taught to serve others and do it with willingness and an open heart and that is what I did. I got to leave work happy..with happy coworkers..knowing i did a good job..and with an extra few dollars in my pocket :)

Friends, Family, Good Times, and Music

When i woke up this morning i had no plan for today. I ended up at Shelby's and we decided to go to the carnival. Doing things on a whim give me an adrenaline rush like nothing else can. We rode some fun rides, some scary rides, some sickening rides, and then we finished our night with a small act of charity by giving the rest of our tickets to a couple and they're kid. After the fun of the carnival we went to Mitch's house. For about an hour we sat around with friends and his family listening to good music and telling stories. Though i didnt know i'd be doing these things when i got up this morning, and they were small things, they made my entire weekend. Being surrounded by good people and just enjoying each others company can be the best thing life can offer. I love you guys :)

ya that's right...I AM MORMON!

so this past week i ran into a culture shock..i went from working in my little mormon bubble known as Deseret Indutries to being in a casino. Definately slim pickins for people who have my same beliefs and all. By now most of us are aware that there are fabulous people who will love you no matter what religion you practice. However, there are some people out there that just don't like mormons. I wasn't keeping my beliefs a secret by any means, but i dind't feel it necessary to announce it either. But today as we sat in our daily huddle and talked about what we did yesterday my manager asked me what i did and i looked at him and said proudly...I went to church! And then the girl in front of me asked what religion i was...it was strange watching the whole room stop talking and listen to my response and the look on my face as i grinned and said..I AM MORMON. For about 30 minutes after that i was bombarded with questions but after that everyone went back to normal. In fact the rest of the night was a blast. Working in a buffet is gonna make me incredibly fat! Im gonna have to work out like a maniac or I'm gonna end up a whale. Its funny though how much emphasis we put on a persons appearance. It makes you look at things differently. People say they can pick out mormons because of our appearences. Well tonight as we allowed the other workers to come into the buffet and eat we noticed a certain group that we could automatically categorize. They were a group of girls, with dark make up and long hair extensions with tiny figures in reveiling clothes. They ate maily fruit and salad and ordered waters. These were the cocktail waitresses (or "butt ladies" as i called them as a kid) Whether good or bad people tend to determine the kind of person you are by how they see you. I'm glad that when people look at me I can be categorized as conservative making it easier for a person to get to know my personality before the form an opinion on me.

La La LA!

I woke up this morning and felt like I hadn't been to church in a life time..honestly..but i got up and went and ended up tearing up actually! If you know anything about me i rarely cry about anything..but something got to me today. With any group of people there is always someone who is made fun of..in our religion it is often the "Molly Mormons and Peter Priesthoods"..ya know the ones who follow every rule. The ones who seem to never slip and are often categorized as up tight. But those are the people who are trying they're hardest to live up to what is expected of us. Those are the people we should be looking to as an example. Shouldn't we all just try a little harder. We are fortunate enough that our Heavenly Father does not expect us to be perfect. All that is expected of us is that we try our best and hopefully improve a little bit every day. With this simple expectation it is not hard to want to be the best you can be all the time. Even by doing little things like not watching rated R movies or honestly loving every person around you and being more Christ like. It seems like a silly challenge, but it truly is hard to put aside our human tendancies and ignore temptation. But it is comforting to know that it is never to late and whatever we have done in the past is forgiven and truly forgotten.

Life

It's funny how life works: we come, we experience, we leave. There are so many sayings and phrases that make life out to be the bad guy (Ex. Life sucks and then you die.) But every once in a while someone comes along and sees the beauty and the blessings of life. Every second of every day is a new chance to something amazing. Each day is a new opportunity to become a better person than you were yesterday. Even the most optimistic people have moments where they forget how much of a blessing life is. I recently forgot that life was a blessing. I could tell, my family could tell, and my friends could tell that the past weeks I haven't been a bundle of joy. I've cried and pondered what I've done wrong to end up here. True I don't have cancer, and my family is well, and I have amazing friends, but in a 17 year old's life loosing a car is pretty dramatic. Not having a car has (to be honest) been nothing but in inconvienance on me and pretty much anyone I'm really close with. I even have to ride a bike to work tomorrow. But then I realized I lucked out. Yes i was in an accident and yes I am currently (but not permanently) carless, however, I am blessed with a new job not only extremely close to my house but also with a bigger salary which will make it possible for me to save for a car and my new house. The light bulb finally came on for me today. Everything will be ok. Of course it will. We were put on this planet to experience the joys along with the hardships. After all, without the hardships how would we know when to appreciate that gounod things. And isn't it comforting to know that we are never given a challenge we can not over come. Earlier this week a friend and I took a trip down memory lane and visited childhood. I unfortunately didn't have a picture perfect childhood and my friend tried to sympathise with me. What my friend didn't know is tho my childhood was different I see it as a blessing everyday. It made me the person I am, it opened my eyes, and it helped me set the concrete values that have always been a part of my life. Becuase of my childhood I can make sure that my children never have to deal with the same issues. And for that I am eternally grateful. My life has only just begun..in the grand scheme of things I am only a baby. I can't wait to see how my life turns out. I can't wait to follow the plan that has been laid out for me. I then when I have experienced all that life has to offer me I will return to my Father. "Yeah when I get where I'm going,there'll be only happy tears.I will shed the sins and struggles,I have carried all these years.And I'll leave my heart wide open,I will love and have no fear.Yeah when I get where I'm going,Don't cry for me down here."

I love my bestie! The last time i saw her was right before she left for new zealand. So sad. I miss her tons..but she'll be home soon! YAY i love you lindsey jackson