Oh Goodness

I've come to the realization that there are few people you can really trust. People (most of the time) are just looking out for themselves. I've always had trust issues. It's been something I've carried around with me sense I was little. I choose the people I'm close with very carefully and I open my heart only to those who I can truly trust. Right now I have 3 people that I feel I can really talk to. One of them will never leave me, but it's hard to talk to her because our relationship only allows for so much to be said. The other one has just come into my life. I can tell him anything and everything, but I've learned from past experiences that the trust I'm putting in him might backfire on me. Not because of anything he'll do, but because of what might be the inevitable. The last person I've known for a while. I'm not exactly sure when I met her, but our friendship really took off a year ago when I started working at DI. I can tell her anything. In fact I can seriously talk to her for hours. I'm sad though, because last night some things happen that really hurt me. And the funny thing is, out of the 2 of us, I shouldn't have been the one to get hurt. On Saturday I made a mistake. It all started because of the influences around me. I let people say things to me and persuade me to do something that I would never ever even think about doing to anyone, let alone my best friend. I'm not sure how I ended up being so influence by the words of someone else to actually go through with it, but I did, and that was my fault. Last night I sat on the phone crying, trying not to let my friend here the hurt in my voice over what I had done. I've decided the best thing to do is cut off the relationships I have with anyone at work. I will be nice and such, but after what happened this weekend I realized I can't trust any of them. Work is to work, not to try and build relationships with people. They have loyalty to there own friends and I have a loyalty to mine. I was silly to even think that the people I thought were my friends would show any kind of loyalty to me, and that's why I got screwed. Luckily I have a strong enough friendship with my best friend that this didn't kill our friendship (even though if I were in her shoes I would've been hurt beyond all belief). And she might be hurt and she's justified completely, because what I did was horrible.

I'm also screwing up I think. I'm cutting my self off to only being close to these 3 people. Like I said before the 1 will never leave, but what about the other 2. My best friend is moving to Utah soon and then what will I do. I'm so excited for her to go to Utah and go to school and meet new people. What am I going to do down here while she's gone though? Of course I have the 3rd person. But there's no guarantee at all that he'll be around. And unlike my best friend I have no way of telling how long he'll be there for me, a month? a year? 2 years? Who knows really.

I'm overwhelmed right now.